Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
*updates tinder bio*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I’ve been lied to my entire life