Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
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[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.