Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

Aaaa…CHOO!

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.

one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.