me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
as the prophecy foretold
sin harder.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️