Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?