Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
