Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
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Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit