me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I get distracted pretty eas
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”