me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
me to God
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Yes
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead
craving $300 all of a sudden
what
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family