me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
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[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
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Me: Same
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.