Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*