Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
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I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.