Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
this makes me so uncomfortable
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?