Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
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Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Succinctly put.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}