Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

Dear Cereal Makers,

Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration

me: oh wow, alread-

teachers: your kid has to bring something in

me: oh ok, sure what shou-

teachers: 100 somethings

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.