Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

I’m completely naked under all this pizza.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

Orange cat behavior 😂

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.