Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

I put the hot in psychotic.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers