Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.

If you need me, I’ll be in the closet

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

San Francisco has too many rules

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

“You’re saying it’s all an act?

Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close