[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Modded the new Gran Turismo
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
