[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
