I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.