Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.

If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.

Like, if you agree.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

PER MY LAST EMAIL

Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.

Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.

Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums