Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My dad.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?