Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
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Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)