me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
You Might Also Like
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
trivia
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
🔦🌙👣
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.