Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you going to be when you grow up?”

Tired.
The answer is tired.

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

Haha! 😂

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.