me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Terribly Tuesday.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!