me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I’m having an out of money experience.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector