ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
🤣🤣
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Wednesday
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats