@jwoodham: If someone approaches you and offers you a Black Eyed Peas album, remain calm. You have just encountered a member of the Black Eyed Peas.

@karanbirtinna: How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

@ShortSleeveSuit: Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

@WarrenHolstein: Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

@Reverend_Scott: *T-Rex stubs his toe* OUCH I'M SO MAD. JUST... MAD. I'M... "Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-" SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.