ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

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Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman


Everyone’s like “the things I want for Christmas can’t be bought.” And I’m like “Legos. I want legos.”


Playing hide and seek in my office building because they can’t fire you if they can’t find you.


Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.


Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.


Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.