ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I don’t think my car can fly
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Okay
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.