@RCKruseKontrol
@mommajessiec
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
You Might Also Like
@mommajessiec
@audipenny
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
@Gooooats
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.
@Zombie_Kitv2
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
@punmagnate
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
@JeffisTallguy
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
@AmishPornStar1
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
@causticbob
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
@Quartzjixler
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
@DammitLarry1
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.