@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

You Might Also Like

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@audipenny

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

@Gooooats

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.

@Zombie_Kitv2

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

@punmagnate

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

@causticbob

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@DammitLarry1

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.