Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.