Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

[at airport]

TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.

ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?