Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure

Coffee for people with no kids

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen