me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You Might Also Like
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
How animals would run if they were human
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules