Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”