Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

[before quarantine]

me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”

[5 weeks in quarantine]

me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

thanksgiving in nutshell

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture