me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either