me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
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First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”