me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
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I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where