Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
this is me
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.