Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

🤣🤣

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

Well there goes my Wednesday night.