Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context

Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

🚲+physics = winner

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

being a writer on Twitter:

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!

what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?