Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
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I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.