Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
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An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds