Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Hank is one in a melon.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Heroic Misunderstanding

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.