Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.