Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m listening
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched