Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted