Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner

ok like just. call me at this point

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse

FRIEND: “Eat” a horse

ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse

HORSE: [gives me a taco]

“i am a sweet baby”

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

The news in a nutshell.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.