Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

be nice to me or i will put you in the soup

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

why I oughta

Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

Perfection.

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*