ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
I stand by it
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.