ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
It will always be this
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.