Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?