Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

boss: your drug test came back clean

me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do

boss: what

me: what

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

In current news:

US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.

Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.