me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you