Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

[Calling a guy for the 1st time]

Him: Hello

Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*

*panics, hangs up*

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….