me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
on da cob, we all corn
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Awwwww shit.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.