Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.