Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent 11 years becoming a thoracic surgeon because I was too afraid to admit that when I signed up I thought I’d be performing surgery on dinosaurs.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.