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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
a fate I wish upon no one
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.