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Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*