me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My new favorite headline
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.