me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
if my sleeping schedule was a person
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO