Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”