Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

men are simple creatures

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Thaw me like one of your french fries

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.