ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
pls suprot
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8