@newLettuce

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

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@Mirimade

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@Mr_Kapowski

Is my iPhone named Freedom?

Yes

Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

@ClichedOut

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

@bholejuice

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

@sofarrsogud

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

@Mike_It_Is

When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.

@truegritrumble

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*