I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Is my iPhone named Freedom?
Do I never pick up phone calls on it?
Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
When I call her “Hun,” it’s not short for honey. It’s short for Attila.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
Me: *Turns router back on*