Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dadd-”

“No.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.

I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.

You are my people.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.