I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
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* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’