@SuperApple8

Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.

Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.

Me: *claps* Star!

Him: I hate Twitter.

Me: *belch* blocked.

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@DaddyJew

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@Sarcasticsapien

I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.

@daddydoubts

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

@NicestHippo

[getting a massage]

MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin

SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean

@kDuncanG

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

@ultimatesteve

*phone rings*

Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*

Wife – “….””

@3sunzzz

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

@Shade510

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee