How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Me: BARTENDER! Bring me another beer.
Him: Mom, I’m doing my homework.
Me: *claps* Star!
Him: I hate Twitter.
Me: *belch* blocked.
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A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I’m pretty sure that the guy who wrote about the Apocalypse was a meteorologist.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Wife: Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me: *dresses baby up in Superman costume & duct tapes him to ceiling fan*
Wife – “….””
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee