Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Lube but for my dry humor.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.