Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
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The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard