me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You Might Also Like
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Kids: Stay in school.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?