Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

#Caturday

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.